How exactly to submit an application for an Academic Job and Also Summon the Ancient Mesopotamian Demon Pazuzu

by Ross Bullen

Keep an eye out for job postings within the places that are usual the Chronicle of advanced schooling, faculty listservs, and esoteric manuscripts hidden within the Vatican library. Pay particular focus on jobs located close to the Tigris and Euphrates rivers within the Fertile Crescent region. Job ads printed in Sumerian cuneiform should go into the “definitely apply” pile. Same is true of any job that gives to pay you in livestock, grain, or small golden trinkets. If you’re not certain that a job is right for you, try staring into a broken mirror and saying the name associated with the school 666 times. In the event that mirror begins to bleed, you’re definitely in the right track.

List most of the goods that are worldlygrain reserves, coin hoards, first-born children) you will be prepared to sacrifice in order to get this job. Two pages, single-spaced, maximum. Address the letter “To whom it would likely concern,” throw it in to the Dead Sea, and obtain prepared to play the game that is waiting.

Get up every morning and look the Academic Jobs Wiki. Then check to see if for example the bathtub is filled up with blood. When it is, congratulations! What this means is the Mesopotamian demon Pazuzu has accepted your offer. Utilising the Babylonian urn you buried beneath the chair’s office as a portal from the netherworld to the plane of existence, he’s got infiltrated the campus, and possessed the search committee chair. Later that day, you will definitely watch seven crows fall through the sky and land in a circle that is perfect which can be an indication which you have been offered a job interview (you will even receive an email concerning this). Okay, it is time for you get excited! Pack your bags! (With a large crucifix and several copper daggers!)

Take a seat with all the search committee.

Remember: they’re nervous too. The search chair seems especially distressed — head rotating 360°, vomiting bile, cursing in an unknown dialect. This might be the result of either demonic possession or a rejected application that is sabbatical. You have to be sure. Show the chair the large crucifix and copper daggers you brought with you. If he takes among the daggers and carves the words “Publish Or Perish” into his torso, you’ll understand that Pazuzu is going to make the rest of the committee to hire you. If he attempts to stab you with all the dagger, he may need more persuading. Try brandishing the crucifix and yelling, “The power of Christ compels you!” ( NOTE : if it’s a school that is secular yelling something in regards to the power of innovation instead). At this stage, Pazuzu will either help you to get the work or disappear forever in a cloud of sulfurous black smoke. Regardless, you ought to thank the committee for their time, go home, and wait for the job offer/writ of excommunication to arrive in your inbox.

You’ll have five years to publish a book, a dozen journal articles, teach four classes per semester, and take a seat on an endless procession of committees, all while trying to essay writer pay your student loans off and maintain the illusion of an individual life. Sorry, but even an ancient demon like Pazuzu has limits to his powers. We suggest seeking out a source that is truly malevolent of instead, like Baphomet, Beelzebub, or — if things get really desperate — the university president’s office.